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The all new "Ask Dedan" Video blog is going to take our daily debates to a whole new level. Here, you'll be able to both see and hear my views on the many subjects we discuss on The Dedan Tolbert Show. Listen live weeknights at 9:00pm est at DedansPlace.net. {qtube vid:=diUBjv_AYeo} {qtube vid:=L2M9NfTQSTI} {qtube vid:=rZJ0G3gRW1I} |
I Still Text My Ex!
A Reader's Question:Hey Dedan,My question to you is: what do you do when you and an ex have moved on into new relationships, but the two of you still talk and text each other throughout the day. This happens to be a situation that I'm going through at the moment. I'm very happy in my new relationship but for some reason I just can't get my ex out of my system. I know it's only a matter of time before my current boyfriend becomes suspicious. Even though my ex and I still  have deep feelings for each other, there were issues from our past that would make having a successful relationship impossible. I love him but I know he's not right for me. What should I do?My Advice:Thanks for a great question. First, I'd like to applaud you for being mature enough to acknowledge the fact that you're still emotionally attached to your ex. Many people are in denial about their feelings and often lead double lives for months - if not years.You made an interesting statement when you said that you're happy in your new relationship. I don't think that you're truly happy being with your new boyfriend when you're constantly talking and texting your ex boyfriend. That time should be reserved for your current relationship. You can't fully commit to one person when you're lusting after another. The first thing you need to do is be honest with your boyfriend and tell him that you aren't fully over your ex. That conversation should have actually been had before the two of you became exclusive. That would have given your boyfriend the opportunity to decide if he wanted to be your "rebound". Second, you need to take a long hard look at why you and your ex broke up in the first place and ask yourself if those reasons are so extreme that they can't be worked through. Relationships aren't easy and many couples would rather break up than take the time to really try to build something special. If you don't feel like you gave 100%, then you should try to reconcile; but if you're sure that there's no future, you need to walk away completely. For some reason, recently broken-up couples think that they can be friends immediately after the breakup. That's one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. Because of the level of feelings that are involved, it's going to be impossible to immediately be platonic friends right after a break up. It may not be able to be possible ever. It takes a mature couple to acknowledge this and give each other time and space. Overall, if I were you, I would take some time to be apart from both of your "relationships" and be by yourself to reevaluate the situation. Spend some time in prayer and ask God to show you who he has for you in your life. Once you receive that confirmation, it's up to you to be obedient and make the right decision. Hopefully, I've shed some light on this subject for you. |
Life On The Down Low
A Reader’s Question:I have a question for you, and I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t use my name when you re-post this. You don’t know me, but someone told me you give pretty good advice. I’m thirty-two years old, and I’ve been with my wife for five years. We have a pretty good relationship and a son together. Afew years ago, I went away on a business trip, and shared a hotel room with a male colleague of mine. To make a long story short we ended up sleeping together.Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not gay. I’ve actually always considered myself bi-sexual, but that was the first time anything like that has ever happened. I regretted that incident since that day because I love my wife. I know it would kill her if she knew I had been with a man. I haven’t seen that colleague since then but I secretly long for him, and often consider searching for him. Am I wrong for this? Should I tell my wife? I don’t see the need to since it happened so long ago, and I haven’t done anything with a man since. Any advice you should give would be greatly appreciated My Advice:Wow. This is a deep situation. Let me first start off by saying that I don’t believe there are such things as male bisexuals. If you have ever had sex, or any type of intimate contact, with a man, you’re gay. There’s no getting around it. Honestly, situations like this disgust me. Not because you’re gay, but because you’re living a secret life. Everyone knows how I feel about cheating and dishonesty in relationships, so the fact that you cheated is what bothers me most.This epidemic of “DL Brothas” is taking over the country. You all need to stop frontin’, and just keep it real with your partners. If you want to have sex with men, that’s your business, but have enough respect for your spouses (and I use that term loosely because they are more like your flunkies) to let them make the decision as to whether or not they want to stay in the relationship with you for themselves. With all of the STDs going around in this community, I would hope that you were responsible enough to protect yourself. Your wife is sitting home thinking she has a good man who loves and respects her, but instead she’s sitting on death row waiting to contract AIDS. I’m not judging you or your lifestyle but.... wait let me take that back. Actually, I am judging you. You are wrong as hell, and anyone else out the doing the same thing that you are doing, is wrong also. Do the right thing and be honest with yourself, and your partner. Stop living a lie, and most importantly, ask God to come into your life and make you a new person. I usually end my advice column by saying "hopefully I’ve shed some light on this subject for you"; however this time I’m saying, I hope I’ve shed some light on your whole life because you are living yours in a dark-ass closet. READER’S RESPONSES:RESPONSE #1Kudos! You already know what I think about my ex-husband. It was a mystery to everyone else, but I know he was on the DL. Really though, these men have to stop being selfish. I don't condone homosexuality, but if that's what you want to do, you can't involve other people without their knowledge. It kills the hopes of children, and it makes them grow up confused. I don't care what people say. What child wants to lose their family to that? Families are being torn apart, and it all comes from somebody being selfish. It's selfish to keep a lifestyle like that secret. Too many people are affected by it. He owes it to himself to change, and tell her what he's done. It will hurt and she may leave, but you can't live with a filthy conscience. If he doesn't change, he still needs to leave her alone, and tell her why. RESPONSE #2 Well, finally a topic that has totally pissed me off. I think that anything homosexual is an abomination of life. If everyone became gay, then the world would no longer exist as we know it, and the human race would become extinct with rapidly declining birthrates. However, I think that the Lord would destroy the earth, and damn them all to hell before he would let that happen. As far as this topic of a brother being on the down low, you are really not fooling anybody except for maybe yourself. If you don't think that you're gay then you are definitely full of it. Being as though AIDS is most prevalent among the homosexual community, you definitely need to tell your partner because she is now at risk. You never know, with AIDS having such a long incubation period, she may already have it. You can’t say that you did a background check on your friend to know whether or not he had it or not. RESPONSE #3 Dedan, I totally agree with your response. We’re living in a world where people are afraid to say what they really feel about various moral and social issues, due to wanting to be politically correct. What’s really sad is that he’s a married man with a child, and his wife has no idea that she should be using protection and/or leaving the relationship. It’s sad to know that there are so many women in similar situations. Often, I ask brothers I know about this phenomenon of the "Down Low", and everyone denies being involved with such activities. Is it just hype, or is there that many men living a lie? It is really sad that women have to be leery of honest, straight, and committed men because of the growing population of gay men that are in denial. I also wanted to mention there are gay females as well. There is no difference in gay relationships between the sexes. Thanks for sharing your response to this married gay man. RESPONSE #4 That's a really deep situation. These types of situations really disgust me. You gave him good advice, though. I can't stand for someone to live a double life like that. I feel sorry for his wife and I pray that I am never in her shoes. |
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